Reading to LB before bed. This book did not help him fall asleep, but we had a blast.
I made a few modifications to my car.
I just totalled my car, (see the picture in the previous post) and was standing and talking to the workers that came to clean up the mess. The guy sweeping grabbed my bumper and tossed it up on the hood out of the way. I seized a moment to lighten the mood.
“Don’t scratch the paint!” I yelled. I then did my best to keep a straight face.
All of the men standing around toyed for a few seconds with the thought that I might be serious. One of them stammered “uh… uh…” and I let it linger before busting out in a loud laugh.
The guys at the Ochre Hill volunteer fire department are good folks. It’s a good thing, too. I just T-boned one of their pickup trucks en route to a house call. Everybody is fine, and now I just get to deal with the insurance companies and impound lots. Pray for my sanity.
Really?
I’ve just been invited to the silliest facebook group ever. I use the word silly because I’m trying to be nice.
The name of the group is “We Will Not Pay To Use Facebook. We Are Gone If This Happens.” The capitalization is for emphasis, I think. The group description goes on to explain that Mark Zuckerberg is going to sell facebook to someone who would then turn it into a pay site. And this group is out to change all that.
Let’s stop and think for a moment, folks. See those advertisements along the side of the page in facebook? They are paying your way. You are already paying to use facebook. What Zuckerberg (and whoever buys it from him, someday) have on their hands is a money-making machine. It’s an advertiser’s dream, really. I frequently log in and see ads that are so targeted it’s laughable. My favorite is the one that has a great picture of a fat guy that says “Are you 28 and overweight?” and then goes on to try and sell me something. How did they know? Today I saw one targeted specifically to worship leaders. Again, an advertiser’s dream come true.
So trust me, nobody is going to do anything to make people less likely to log in to facebook. Especially not charging us. So all 800,000-plus people (please someone tell me they are mostly high-schoolers) in the group… please leave the group. You are embarrassing yourself.
I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world’s finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, of all the blood shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened.
Fyodor Dostoevsky
A Worship-Leader’s Pocket Guide.
I’m preparing music to lead at a conference coming up, and in doing so I get to spend a lot of time listening to potential songs and a diverse array of worship leaders and their different tendencies. I have come to a tentative conclusion: the more famous you are as a worship leader, the more obscure are the things you can get away with saying as interludes between songs. And the shorter the sentence and farther from context, the better. Three word phrases like “faith is rising” or “sing it prophetically” have the most impact as obscure worship-phrases (OWP for short).
In an effort to increase effectiveness and urban appeal among worship-leaders, I’ve compiled the following Guide to Obscure Appropriateness in Leading Worship, or GOAL-W for short. Using this scoring system, you will be able to determine not only your level of obscurity and thus greatness, but where you are most fit as a worship leader to serve.
Handy GOAL-W
- You slip in the name of a lesser known Old Testament prophet. +2 points. +3 for each usage of Melchizedek.
- You forego using a verb. “Jesus Glory Beautiful” as an example. +1 point.
- You never open your eyes and are able to switch between songs and toss out an OWP +3 points.
- You use a Scripture reference, but only the address. “1 Chronicles 3:4” as an example. +2 points for New Testament, +3 points for Old Testament.
- That Scripture reference is Ezekiel 23:19-20 +10 additional points.
- You use the phrase “close your eyes and imagine with me” -10 points.
- You utilize the word “shekinah” +3 points for first use, -5 points for each subsequent usage.
- You instruct the audience to turn to their neighbor and say something. -25 points and automatic 5-minute timeout. (we’ll excuse one time per service for the purpose of reminding folks that this is corporate worship. After that, timeout.)
- Your three word sentence becomes a 5 minute story about what God is teaching you right now. -5 points. We didn’t ask you to give the sermon, just lead the music and keep your talking short and obscure, music (wo)man.
- The sound guy claims there was a “feedback issue” when he cuts the mic off halfway through your story. +4 points for the sound guy.
- You sing your OWP after you say it, for emphasis. +3 points.
- You turn that sung OWP into an impromptu chorus and encourage others to begin singing “bring shekinah Amos arise” over and over. +5 points for every minute you can keep in going.
- You utilize any of the following words/phrases in your OWP:
“dry bones” +1 point.
“purpose-driven” +2 points.
“emphatic” +1 point.
“sheep and goats” +2 points.
“prodigal” +3 points.
“Mark Driscoll” +5 points, unless it is part of a story, which has previously been outlawed, and will result in a -6 point score.
“amber bock” +2 points.
“effervescent” +4 points.
“Infinite improbability” +3 points. If followed by the word “drive”, +10 points.
“horsemen” or “apocalypse” +3 points.
Scoring Chart:
-40 or below: Maybe it’s time to just cut the word “shekinah” completely out of your vocabulary. And while I’m at it, I think you need to consider a job as a story-teller.
-40 to -10: You are definitely a talker, but either you are not obscure enough, or you got caught off guard by the rule against having folks turn to their neighbor and say “neighbor….”
-10 to 0: You seem well fitted for a job in a small, quiet church where the last worship leader was a real talker. A -35 guy who gave a five minute intro to every song.
1 to 15: You are the type of worship leader who does more dancing than talking. You’ve got the Dave Matthews/Carlos Whittaker feet thing, and occasionally throw out a one-liner. You’re a mysterious guy.
15-20: You’re no Charlie Hall, but you are gunning for him. People come up to you after church and say things like “what did you mean when you said…________” You’re on your way.
20 and above: Michael W. Smith doesn’t read my blog, to my knowledge. But if he did, he’d have to admit this is where he scores. He makes Obscure Worship Phraseology into an art form, and nothing less.
I hope you’ve enjoyed my fun poke at one of the things that makes me laugh about Christians.