Grading Parents might take more than Originality.

Lately a trend on the facebook is folks taking a quiz that grades their parents on originality in naming them.  The only metric (as far as I can tell) to factor into the grade is how many other folks were named what you are named during your birthyear.  Making it easy to simultaneously grade highly and win an award for a terrible parenting decision.

Here’s a few of the names Jacqueline and I came up with that we think would grade highly:

(and, by way of disclaimer, if this is your name or the name of a loved one, I mean no disrespect.  All in good fun.)

Festus.  I doubt there were many other Festuses during your child’s birth year.  That’s a guaranteed A.  It’s also a guarantee of the nickname “Fetus” at some point during your child’s seventh grade year, or whenever sex-ed first takes place.

Basil.  This name means “Kingly” according to some baby naming websites.  It also means “condiment,” according to my spice rack, though.  So while you get an A+ for originality, you also get a certainty that your child will hate you by age 20.

Xanthus. This name gets an A, because it has to have a middle name that serves as a pronunciation key.  It means “Golden haired” which means you either have to wait until puberty to name your child, or risk the significant chance that your kid will grow up to be named something that they aren’t.  This also applies to naming your child “Christian,” or “Buddhist,” or “Cable Repair Guy.”

Manville. This name means, as you might surmise, “Men’s village” and thus gives you an A for originality and and a low F for a name that sounds like (and means) “testosterone filled neighborhood.”  Naming your child after a group of people=not cool.

Vanity. In my brief online “research” for this post, I came across this little girl’s name that means “stuck up brat.” You’d get an A for originality, and a strong chance you’d spend way to much on this little jewel when it comes time for prom, sweet 16, and nuptials.  That’s assuming you could find a guy named “Codependent” to marry sweet Vanity off to.

Butthole. (pronounced Buh-Thole) OK, so this one wasn’t an actual name from a baby-naming site, but it is one that Jacqueline wants me to make sure I give her the credit for coming up with. (unless you’re offended, then it was all me.) This name would get you the highest possible A, given that (unless there are other cultures where “Butthole” comes across more like “Stanley”) nobody in the world has named their child this, ever.  You’d have some fun times at, say, the nursery when you drop them off and sign them in, as well as more than one chance at an awkward role-call experience on the first day of class, for the rest of his (or her!) life.  “Hello my Name is” name tags would also be a hit.