The Real Story of Our Joining the Church. (part 1)

“So, I’m supposed to hold him, and keep him relatively quiet while we stand up in front of the whole church?”


“We’re all aware that he’s two, right?”

That’s an approximation of the conversation that went down before church last week. We joined the church, which turned out to be just as much of an adventure as you might imagine, with two boys under 3 years old.

I was assigned LB, the 2.5 year-old and tasked myself with the job of “keeping him in the room.” I like to set my goals at a reachable level. Keeping him quiet? Not unless a video of Mickey Mouse is involved or a “pup-cake” (what he calls cupcakes) is implemented. We’re good parents: the type that use pastries as pacifiers and aren’t ashamed to admit it.

I decided going into it that if he didn’t (1) knock over a guitar, (2) break his leg jumping off of something, or (3) make it to the parking lot, I’d consider it a successful event.

Standing in the back of the room as the band finished the song before our portion of the service, I got the first taste of what was about to transpire. LB wanted to get down and run around a bit, and so my options became (1) let him run in the hopes that he remains in the back of the room, or (2) see if he can drown out the 12-inch Mackie speakers in the front of the room. He proceeded to test option (2) while I deliberated. Once the back three rows of people had done the courtesy “what is wrong with you?” glance over their shoulder, I decided to go with option (1).

How many more verses are there in this song?

I put him on the ground, and got in his face to tell him to stand with mommy and daddy. He heard, understood, and immediately disobeyed, making a beeline for the center aisle. I caught up to him as he rounded the corner toward the front of the room, screaming “Go to CHURCH!”

Yes, son, we are going to church. Good call, there. A bit loud and redundant, but good.

I will have to finish this story later, as (at the time of this writing) I have to be up for work in a few hours. But trust me, it’s worth stopping back by for. In the meantime, chime in below with a time you were embarrassed by a child…

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