Tag: funny

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My TV could be diagnosed with a split-personality disorder.

The dichotomy between the news and the advertising spots on news shows these days has me simultaneously scratching my head and rolling my eyes. In fact, it’s pretty funny.

Next up: how terrible the economy is, how we are losing life as we know it, watching Wall Street flop around and foam at the mouth.  Then they cut to commercials.  The commercial then spends 30 seconds trying to convince me that I should go out and buy things.  My life as I know it will not be the same if I don’t get this gadget or that shampoo, for the low price of 19.99 plus shipping.  Now back to the news.  We should churn our own butter and stock up on canned goods to prepare for the apocolypse, right after this break.  During the break they convince me that I should go on a cruise with Royal Carribean.  Indulge.  Treat yourself, you deserve it.  Now back to the financial news.  The Dow Jones Average is down more than it has been in your grandparent’s lifetime.  You should prepare the emergency bunker and invest in a ham radio that you probably wouldn’t know how to use, just in case TV signal goes dark.

And on it goes.

Bottom line, I’m gonna invest in a cruise where they have complimentary shampoo and gadgets, they teach you how to churn your own butter, and there’s a really large bomb-proof life boat.  It’ll make everybody happy.

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Absurd Christmas Hymns

Having a closer listen to popular Christmas carols’ lyrics, you begin to understand how those outside of Christianity are left scratching their heads.  Here’s two that I have heard recently that have me scratching, as well.

“…A Child, a Child, shivers in the cold, let us bring Him silver and gold…”

It is just me, or does it seem borderline cruel to give a shivering baby a nice pair of cufflinks?  I think he could use a blanket.  Furthermore, how cold was it in a middle eastern stable?  This song is confusing.

“…The Ox and Lamb kept time, pa-rum-pum-pum pum…”

The whole concept of mini-concert in the aforementioned stable is awkward at best, but this line pushes me right over the edge.  I guess the songwriter thought he could just slip in a line about the rhythmic farm animals without us noticing.  We caught you, songwriter man.  I’ll blindly assume it was a man who wrote such an absurd line.  I’ll also stab in the dark and say the guy was a part-time songwriter, part time homebrewer, and he was experimenting with some high gravity pale ales while he whipped up this ditty.

I’ll keep my ears open for more holiday goodness, as we roll toward the 25th.  Any tips on some good lines would be appreciated.  Comment below.

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Skis, Boots, Poles, and Funny.

I’ve written before about sleep-redecorating and my plea to recognize it as a sport.  Today I upped the ante a bit.  But it’s not the first time.  Let me take you back.

In college a friend and I were zealous to really walk with the Lord, and so for a semester my sophomore year we would wake up at 7 AM to pray together.  We’d pray for personal needs as well as for things going on around the world.  In fact, we prayed the entire semester for him and a girl he was interested in who continually gave him the cold shoulder.  Now, 9 years later, they are married and just had their second child.  Prayer works.

But back to the story.  One morning as we were praying, it was my turn.  We had some friends who were missionaries in East Asia, and I was praying for them, out loud.  Then, I began to pray for their skis, boots, and poles, and that God would bless them….

…wait, what?

It sounded just as absurd then as it does now.  I had fallen asleep literally mid-sentence and in my dream I had seen skis, boots and poles leaned up against a wall.  So logically that’s what I talked about, to God.

Some people talk in their sleep.  I talk to God into my sleep.

This morning as I was slowly waking up and preparing to get out of bed, Jacqueline came in the room and I began telling her about my dream last night, and it happened again.  I fell asleep mid-sentence, and began rambling on about something totally off topic.

I’m working on taking this skill to the next level and to fall asleep while praying in front of large groups of people.  I just hope I’m not standing up.

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How I got punked by an early-2000’s era Life Fitness Treadmill.

Having joined the YMCA in the heat of new years resolutions, I found myself relegated to the “older” treadmill.  I punched in a few numbers to start, and selected the “fat burn” setting, enabling the machine to monitor my heart rate and adjust the difficulty (read: the incline) accordingly.

Target heart rate: 128.  Current rate: 121.  Current incline: 0.1.

Let’s get this party started.  I glanced up at the TV in front of me.  A daytime courtroom show.  Awesomely boring, even with subtitles.

Five minutes passed.  Still hadn’t hit the target heart rate. In fact, I was still right at 121.  The machine had adjusted the incline to 8.0 (I assume that’s 8 degrees of incline).  I was starting to feel it.  Back to Judge Joe Brown to pass the time.

Three more minutes passed.  I felt a cramp coming on, which is odd considering this was supposed to be a “low intensity” deal.  I noticed that the incline was on 15.3, and that compared to the machine beside me, I am a mountain climber.  Sweat dropped from the end of my nose, and I had to white-knuckle the heart rate handles to even stay on the machine.  My heart rate, however. was still at 122, which I found strange, being that I could feel my heartbeat in my ears.

It was probably ten more minutes of panting (and 5 more degrees of incline) before I decided to test the heart rate monitors, and let go of them.  It stayed at a steady 122.  The machine was not actually monitoring my heart rate, but some phantom rate!  As tempted as I was to learn how far the machine would go in trying to get to the target, I immediately switched workout type and lowered the incline back to zero, so that I could finish my workout without involving paramedics.

Moral of the story:  the older the machine, the more skeptical you should be of the monitoring capabilities.

Second moral of the story: after you have been abused by the “back in the day” treadmill, don’t try and walk down the steps to the locker room without holding the hand-rail.  You’ll fall down.  People will try not to laugh or make eye contact.  They will be unsuccessful at both.

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