Tag: funny

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I just self-edited…

I was going to write a post just now (in fact, had it all set up to click “post”) about a former Dook basketball player that was not very… well… nice.

I guess it’s OK to dislike the team, but I should probably avoid the public, personal shots.  After all, he’s a guy that needs Jesus, just like me.  And you can’t believe everything you hear on the internet.  And it was all in good fun, but that’s tough to pull off, believably, on a blog.

But in case you all want to draw your own hilarious conclusions, read this article.

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Fishing Trip, Day 1.

5:30 AM Dad knocks on my door and says “It’s 5:30” (which you already knew, but I didn’t, at the time) I mutter something incoherent and grab for the toothbrush in the bag by the bed.

6:15 AM Having swung by my brother’s house to pick him up, we stop at a covered gas station to rearrange the stuff in the bed of the truck without the “help” of the chilling, driving rain.

7:03 AM We complete the first three-sentence verbal exchange of the day, between the three of us. Subject matter? The I-40 bypass around Greensboro, and the relative merits of each route.

8:49 AM I decide to give up in the quest to keep from nodding off in the passenger seat, but realize that comfortable seating and three full-grown males in a Dodge Ram are mutually exclusive concepts.

11:39 AM I come to the crushing realization that Nags Head, NC (population 7,000 in a heavy day, plus some tourists) has far better cell phone reception than Asheville, NC (population 50,000 on the worst day this quarter-century, plus some tourists). I bitterly take it out on AT$T via a passive aggressive Tweet at 11:40.

11:51 AM A Mexican Pizza and two soft tacos are involved. No further details are available for the public, until next-of-kin and physicians can be notified.

12:53 PM After meeting up with my uncle and cousin, we drop our luggage off at the Breakwater Inn. I make the mistake of asking if there is a “fitness center” here. I’ll be walking on the beach to stay in shape.

2:33 PM I get up the guts (pun intended) to hurl the fish bait attached to my line as hard as I can into the surf. It immediately becomes apparent how poor of a decision that is, when the line snaps, sending the 4 ounce weight, rigging, and bait sailing well beyond the breakers.

2:40(ish) PM Some unsuspecting fish gets a fancy lip ring that is unfortunately no longer attached to my reel.

5:00 PM I inadvertently hum an Aaron Neville song out loud, and feel the need to toss my man card into the ocean.

6:20 PM Having packed up the slightly fewer than 1 fish we caught and dropped the gear off at the Breakwater, we find ourselves in “Pop’s Raw Bar” (where bikers and 4x4s are welcomed, according to the sign) enjoying some amazing seafood and second-hand smoke.

7:30 PM I sit down to the laptop back at the Breakwater to find that, to my surprise, “The Fisherman’s Quarters” next door has Wi-Fi. This post is the immediate result.

Here’s hoping we catch some fish tomorrow. Or that I get this Aaron Neville song out of my head. Either would be considered success.

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Grading Parents might take more than Originality.

Lately a trend on the facebook is folks taking a quiz that grades their parents on originality in naming them.  The only metric (as far as I can tell) to factor into the grade is how many other folks were named what you are named during your birthyear.  Making it easy to simultaneously grade highly and win an award for a terrible parenting decision.

Here’s a few of the names Jacqueline and I came up with that we think would grade highly:

(and, by way of disclaimer, if this is your name or the name of a loved one, I mean no disrespect.  All in good fun.)

Festus.  I doubt there were many other Festuses during your child’s birth year.  That’s a guaranteed A.  It’s also a guarantee of the nickname “Fetus” at some point during your child’s seventh grade year, or whenever sex-ed first takes place.

Basil.  This name means “Kingly” according to some baby naming websites.  It also means “condiment,” according to my spice rack, though.  So while you get an A+ for originality, you also get a certainty that your child will hate you by age 20.

Xanthus. This name gets an A, because it has to have a middle name that serves as a pronunciation key.  It means “Golden haired” which means you either have to wait until puberty to name your child, or risk the significant chance that your kid will grow up to be named something that they aren’t.  This also applies to naming your child “Christian,” or “Buddhist,” or “Cable Repair Guy.”

Manville. This name means, as you might surmise, “Men’s village” and thus gives you an A for originality and and a low F for a name that sounds like (and means) “testosterone filled neighborhood.”  Naming your child after a group of people=not cool.

Vanity. In my brief online “research” for this post, I came across this little girl’s name that means “stuck up brat.” You’d get an A for originality, and a strong chance you’d spend way to much on this little jewel when it comes time for prom, sweet 16, and nuptials.  That’s assuming you could find a guy named “Codependent” to marry sweet Vanity off to.

Butthole. (pronounced Buh-Thole) OK, so this one wasn’t an actual name from a baby-naming site, but it is one that Jacqueline wants me to make sure I give her the credit for coming up with. (unless you’re offended, then it was all me.) This name would get you the highest possible A, given that (unless there are other cultures where “Butthole” comes across more like “Stanley”) nobody in the world has named their child this, ever.  You’d have some fun times at, say, the nursery when you drop them off and sign them in, as well as more than one chance at an awkward role-call experience on the first day of class, for the rest of his (or her!) life.  “Hello my Name is” name tags would also be a hit.

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Stuff Christians Like a little too much.

I, being a guest poster at SCL, have noticed a problem that is nearly universal among Christians.  Christians like Jon Acuff.  But they take it a single, insidious step further than that.

They’re Acuffist.

I know, I don’t like throwing around political buzzwords any more than you like reading them, but this needs to be brought to the light.  A quick perusal of the “most popular posts” on his site will show you that nearly every one that has any staying power was written by Jon Acuff.  The posts that have the most comments? Also Acuffian posts.  And even though my spell-check thinks that’s a ridiculous word, I fear the slide toward a single, monolithic Christian satire blog “experience” is well underway.  It’s subtle, but the Acuffitude of his website is beginning to take over areas that previously lay untouched by his wit and charm.  Did you notice how he subtly moved in on the Power Team, that staple of Christian satire?  Readers find themselves pining for his next Twitter update, the next comment he makes on his already-Acufficient blog post of the day, or the next witty thing he’ll say on his facebook “fan page.”

Jon’s actions are not what is up for debate here, though.  It’s the overt way in which other bloggers are forgotten, marginalized, and disrespected that has me taking a stand against Acuffism today. I’ve developed this test so that you can see just how Acuffist you really are.

1.)Which of the following Stuff Christians Like was written by a guest poster?

(a)The Popcorn Collision
(b)Near Death Visits to Heaven
(c)The Campus Babysitter
(d)Those are made up post titles, not written on his blog.

2.)What’s the last SCL post you commented on?

3.)Is your answer to #2 a post written by Jon Acuff?

4.)What’s the last SCL post you laughed out-loud about, or felt strong emotion while reading?

5.)Is your answer to #4 a post written by Jon Acuff?

6.)Can you name, without looking, just 5 of the guest bloggers who have posted on his site?

7.)Have you ever taken issue with the fact that Jon Acuff is the only blogger listed on this site, despite no less than 30 guest posts written by at least 10 other bloggers?  Or is that sort of favoritism OK with you, you Acuffist?

I don’t even have to work up a score card for this one, because I’m sure that you’ve noticed your own Acuffism at this point.  And identifying the problem is the first step.  I’m starting a support group today, here at my blog.  Together, we can stamp out Acuffism for good.  Do your part today by commenting on today’s non-Acufficious post.

What’s one way you commit to ridding your life of Acuffism?

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Things We Have Nearly Said on Twitter

In case you aren’t following Jacq on twitter or facebook, we’ve got some exciting news on top of the already exciting news that we are moving to Holly Springs.  We’re pregnant! (a phrase I don’t fully understand why I have to say in the first person, being that I am by no means carrying a child in my belly) So here, in chronological order, are the tweet-worthy things that we have avoided saying, since about Christmas.

December 27th:

J 3:01 PM: I just found out I’m pregnant.  Going to surprise Ben with the news while holding someone else’s nearly-old-enough-to-spoil-it child.

B 6:05 PM: We kicked one past the goalie.  We should really recruit better goalies.  Or sleep in separate beds.  Annabelle found out along with me.

December 30th:

J: I am really tired.  And kind of nauseous.  And did I mention really tired?  Oh, and could you bring me a sandwich? With icing?

B: Let me get this straight. I have to deal with a pregnant wife for the next 5-7 weeks but not tell anyone?  I am hoping for a girl.

December 31st:

J: Ever found out you were pregnant, attended a conference with 96% of your friends, and not told any of them? Me neither.  Told 10 People.

B: I am getting kind of fuzzy on the details of the whole “don’t tell anyone we’re pregnant” thing.  Four people have told me congratulations…

January 3rd:

J: On the way home.  Tired, hungry, tired, hungry, and pregnant.  Can I get that sandwich, now? Or a nap?

B: We are getting back to raising support full-time.  Extra bellybutton to feed, and all.

January 27th:

J: At the OB, we get to hear the heartbeat today for Peanut!

B: I just got a H1N1 vaccination, at the OB-GYN.  I can honestly say that’s the first time I’ve been treated at the gynecologist.

January 29th:

J: I’m hungry, then I’m FULL, then I’m HUNGRY. Then I desperately want to take a nap.  Rinse.  Repeat.

B: Hate that I had to leave my pregger wifey up the hill with the boy in the snow to come to cold, wet, ATL.

February 7th:

J: A few days until I’ll feel comfortable sharing with the online world that I am pregnant!  And it’ll be my birthday.

B: Apparently Jacq’s family was fuzzy on the “don’t tell” details, too.  Three people have congratulated me at church this morning.

We’re so excited about the new little one on the way, but I’m pretty sure Jacqueline is just trying to get out of doing any heavy lifting during the move.  This will be the second time she’s gotten out of the manual labor.

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