Category: family

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I used to be a Rapper.

No really.

I wrote a rap (well, all but the first line or two, which I totally stole from my friend Steve) in high school.  I added a second verse in college for a poetry class (and got an A).  Finally, I added a 3rd verse a few years after I came on staff.  And it’s pretty entertaining to watch my theology develop through the verses.

I’d rap it on video for you, but I don’t want to be that guy.  You know the guy.  He becomes an internet sensation for doing something that he thinks he’s good at, and nobody loves him enough to tell him not to upload it to YouTube.  I’m not gonna be that guy.

But I will type it out for you. And I don’t think it has a name.

Verse 1, no I’m not doing this for fun
Because I have no fun without the Holy One
Who has risen, He’s quizin’ the heart of every man
To see if there is room inside for Him to stand
Alone we cannot make it, we try with all our might
To spite the fright despite no sight without His holy light
I’m beggin’, no pleadin’, before it is too late
And you’re standing with St. Peter outside of the pearly gates
Without Him, or You doubt Him, don’t know that much about Him.
Only Jesus can please us, don’t leave the world without Him.

Verse 2, don’t think that I’m not talking to you,
Because it’s your turn, to U-turn, to see what JC can do.
Moses had the rod of God, I got the Bible.
It’s God’s word to me, indicated by the title,
It’s holy, and solely for the purpose of good.
I read it to see if I should do the things I think I should.
I’m right, I’m light, so don’t put me under baskets;
I’m on a mission to save souls from rottin’ in the casket
Just ask it, and Jesus will come
Into your heart right through your heart into your bloodstream,
He’s so keen, by no means continue in sin:
’cause like the Bulls with MJ, the Spirit always wins.

Verse 3, let me tell you how it happened to me,
Because by verse 4 he’ll be knocking at your door.
I said before about the rod of God
and if you’re feelin’ this, come on everybody nod.
Age 12, couldn’t nod, steady shakin’ my head,
Both eyes shut, hoping God would leave me for dead.
I was His enemy. But He got into me.
Now, both eyes open, got me begging for bread.
But in my head still runnin’, try’na earn what he gave.
Because I know me, I’m too dirty to save.
I throw in filthy rags, to cover filthy mags
At the bottom of my gold-plated filthy bag.

And that’s as far as I’ve gotten.  I do think it’s fairly neat that the more I’ve gotten into Christianity, the more clearly I see how revolting my sin is.  I’d like to someday add that 4th verse, or at least close out the 3rd verse on something about how even that sin of thinking my sinfulness is beyond Christ’s reach has been paid for.

Watch out, Eminem.  There’s a new white, 30-something rapper on the scene.  And he’s bringin’ the HEAT.  I just need backup dancers and a “Uhh” guy, and we are ready for the world tour.  Who’s with me?

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Mother’s Daze.

My wife is incredible.  She’s a great mom, and even in the midst of this crazy stage of life with a move and quasi-bedrest and an unwieldy (almost) tw0-year-old, she’s shone far brighter than the jewelry she got for mother’s day (yep, that’s a shout-out to me.  Thanks for noticing, move along).

She’s not an encourager by nature, but I can’t even count the number of times just in the past week she’s gone out of her way to encourage me.  She’s so attentive to even the smallest details of my life.

She’s a wonderful mom to LB: from lavishing gifts on him (most notably her time and energy) to disciplining him and helping him to not get the false impression that the world revolves around his larger-than-average head, Jacq is constantly amazing to me.

So I thought I’d give her a shout-out on the interwebs.  She’s lived lately in a daze wrought by pregnancy hormones and lack of sleep, and yet she’s still the hottest mom on the planet.

She’s so good at it, I knocked her up again.

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Potty Training in a Public Restroom.

When I first saw that positive pregnancy test roughly 2 years and 9 months ago, a lot of thoughts filled my head.  Throwing ball in a park with my son.  Teaching him how to ride a bike.  Tender moments before bed praying to Elmo.

Here’s a bit that didn’t make the mental brochure: Trying to get your toddler to simultaneously urinate into a public toilet without touching every portion of the bathroom.

We’re in the midst of what I’ve begun calling “our first attempt at potty training.”  We watched all the videos and read some books about training your child to use the potty in 45 minutes, or 2 days, or before they are 15.  The plan was to start last Monday (exactly a week ago) and be done by the weekend.  That’s now become the plan for boy #2.  Because LB decided he’d rather unload the bladder indiscriminately every now and then just to keep us on our toes.

Don’t get me wrong, we are learning his clues, and are able to keep him relatively dry during the day, nap time excluded.  It’s just been nowhere near the cake-walk the promo materials would have you believe.

But that brings us to the public restroom.  Jacq asked LB last night at the end of dinner (out with my parents) if he needed to potty.  He gave the semi-pout that means yes, and that meant I was up.  We trooped down the hall to the men’s room.

A quaint one-seater, we’ll call it.  LB walked in first, and I closed the door, turning to lock it behind us.  I turned back to see him curiously meandering toward the toilet.  I got there just in time to keep him from sticking his head into the bowl to get a closer look.

Next goal: get the pants and shoes and pull-up off.  Sub-goals:

  1. Don’t get peed on.
  2. Keep LB from lifting the lid on the toilet and letting it slam down (for the third time).
  3. Don’t lose balance and face-plant in the damp area behind the toilet i’ll call “every-man’s land.”

Having successfully removed the clothing (including correctly executing sub-goals 1 and 3), it was time to expect a miracle.  I wanted my son, known for strong-willed tantrums and excessive use of noise, to sit calmly on a toilet seat unlike any he’d ever seen (and easily large enough for him to fall through) without so much as rubbing his hands underneath the toilet seat.  And I wanted him to do all of this confidently, despite my facial expression of near-exasperation from holding him steady with one hand while keeping him from putting “toilet hand” in his mouth with the other.

But then came the moment.  He was working up from moderately-uncomfortable grumbling heading toward full-body screaming when he noticed something.  He needed to potty.  He leaned forward to see his junk over his belly, and slowly peed into the potty.

Waves of relief rushed over me (from not having any other types of waves rushing over me), until I realized that I wasn’t out of the woods just yet.  We had to sanitize the situation, get the pants/shoes/pull-up back on, and get out to the car.

To make a long story short, let’s just say the folks sitting near the door to the restroom were mildly shocked to see the child walk past the table wearing just his pull-up and a shirt.  But he didn’t notice.  He’d just peed like a big boy.

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Terrific Twos: An Adventure in Parenthood.

Yeah, he’s got a terrible streak.  He’s impossible to discipline.  He will frequently “go boneless” in a parking lot to avoid being put in his car seat.

But there are times like Saturday that make it all worth it.

We went to “Monkey Joe’s” — which in the original Greek translates more closely to “How did they fit this many screaming kids in this room” — for LB’s birthday.  I had been told it’s a great place to relax in leather recliners while your kid plays.

Which is true, if your kid is 8.

If your kid is exactly 2 years and 9 hours old, and not quite big enough to climb up the inflatables by himself, the only relaxing you’ll be doing is during the free-fall from the top of the inflatable as you hurtle toward your adorable son grinning from ear to ear at the bottom of the slide.

If they gave out awards for sweatiest parent, I would have come home with a trophy.  And my son definitely deserved a reward for least-afraid of the slides.  And these were really big slides. Here’s a shot to show perspective.

Several other kids his age were up there with their parents, but the parents were having to convince the kid to go down the slide.  I was having to convince LB to slow down long enough at the top of the slide to not injure himself.

I had an absolute blast, and I have a sneaking suspicion that a certain two-year-old did as well.  Happy Birthday, sweet boy.  I can’t believe it’s been that long.

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